She was the first individual I ever wanted to truly love and the one who taught me I had no idea how to love. If I'm being honest - and I am - there are many great things that Cass, my first wife, did for me for which she deserves credit - including making me a better man, teaching me the meaning of love and showing me the joys of Stevie Ray Vaughan's Little Wing and Chitlins Con Carne.
Actually, she is one of the reasons I have a story at all because she planted the seeds of my solution. She taught me the necessity of forgiving my daughter's mom, Kellie, and acting in a self-less manner when making choices about my daughter.
To this fact, I am eternally grateful to her.
Truthfully, the pain I felt over these years was essential to growing up. I’m not telling you this to gain pity or earn forgiveness. The approval or forgiveness of others means little in the grand scheme of things. I know I earned every judgmental glance and self-righteous lecture.
Now if you can relate to any of this, perhaps even living in the middle of this, I’m going to let you in on a little secret - you don’t have to live with this insanity. All of this happened over fourteen years ago and today I am grateful for all of it. I still have moments of regret but I see the truth that I cannot change the past but can change the future by taking responsibility for my choices and attitude. In the face of all the consequences, I have a good life and I have become a better man because of it.
As I said, I still face the consequences of my actions when trying to buy a car or pay my back support but the difference today is I know I’m a good man, regardless of what others think. I know because on a daily basis I’m doing the “best” I know how to do at that moment as opposed to the “easiest”. I know it is better because I can look everyone in the eyes when I talk to them. I can look in the mirror. On most days the shame, remorse, fear, loneliness and morbid reflection are gone.
So when we returned home from our one year wedding anniversary, I followed Cass' lead and started the slow process of rebuilding a life worth living. I started by being honest and making amends to those I had harmed. Not an easy task for someone whose life was built on dishonesty - my amends list was long. It has been a slow journey full of pain and heartache. It has also been a journey full of beauty and redemption.
However, there could be no forgiveness or love or redemption until I began changing my actions - although I've learned some amends are simpler than others. For example, if you take money that isn’t yours, that’s called stealing. You make amends by paying it back. If you tell someone something that isn’t true, that is lying. You make amends by admitting you lied and then tell the truth.
Doesn’t that sound straightforward?
The issue becomes less clear when making amends for abusing someone’s life. Where do you start when your behavior changes someone else’s life? I was an insensitive, self-centered, immature, and dishonest clod. My behavior often aroused bitterness, suspicion and jealousy in the people closest to me.
Certainly, admitting you are wrong is a start. You then stop the behavior. Again, sounds simple enough. But how do you make amends to your daughter’s mother for not being there? Where do you start? How does it end? Truthfully, thirteen years later I’m still working it out. All I can do is to keep trying to do the best I can and allow her the freedom to hate me. In a pure black-and-white, right-and-wrong world, I earned it. I know not everyone is going to like me, and Kellie may never give me the benefit of the doubt and forgive me. That is the burden of my consequences.
Part of my amends has been to carry the burden of loss...
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