My Daughter Hates Me: Part 9 - If a child dies isn’t it the mother’s fault?

Growing up in the hill country of West Virginia my dad is full of colloquialisms. He is constantly saying things like, “That’s slicker than an eel in a bucket of snot,” or this thing or that is “slower than molasses”. On more than one occasion he has suggested not coming between, “a she-bear and her cubs”. I imagine that is good advice if you are fishing in bear country during trout season. It is also good advice when discussing my daughter and her mother.

From the beginning, Kellie argued my relationship with Samantha was a package deal. Either accept both of them or forget having a relationship with Samantha. Regardless of whether that is “right”, it is reality. It is exactly how it turned out. I don’t like it but I long ago accepted it.

As stated earlier, I was angry with Kellie for coming between my daughter and me. As such, I responded by withholding child support and threatening to get a lawyer and sue. I would steamroll her if she didn’t stop interfering in my relationship with Samantha. After all, Samantha is my daughter and I have my “rights”.

Of course, if Cooley is right, and her motives are the same as mine, she was angry with me because I was coming between her and Samantha. From my perspective, we both did and said a lot in an attempt to protect our “rights”. Truthfully, it would have been better if I had focused less on my “rights” and more on my “responsibility”. It would have made my fifty percent less messy.

In hindsight, I cannot blame Kellie for her actions. I certainly cannot hate her. I threatened to get a court order taking custody of Samantha. I imagine she was just as terrified of a sheriff showing up at her door taking Samantha away from her as I was of the sheriff showing up at my door with an arrest warrant because of past due child support.

Living in fear is horrible, whether human or bear, and I guess we both instinctively do what have to do to protect our children. We do what seems “right” regardless of what is “best”.

For example, over the years, I’ve heard stories of firemen needing to drag mothers out of a flame-engulfed house because they refuse to leave until the baby is found. Sounds “right” but if the mother dies is that “best” for the surviving children? Is it “best” for the mother? I have a female friend who argues that the “right” in that situation is irrelevant. It is what is expected and the societal shame is a heavy burden for a grieving mother.

After all, my friend asks, if a child dies isn’t it perceived as the mother’s fault?

As a discarded dad, I have a unique perspective on children. Not the “right” one just a unique one. For example, I have friends who have divorced and fought over the children the same way they fought over the Roth IRA. The issue becomes who contributed what and for how long. They treat their children as a possession instead of individuals. Having lost the bond to my daughter I know better. Broken possessions can be replaced. Broken relationships may never mend.

I heard a wise grandmother say to me her children are individuals of her not because of her. They are gifts from the Universe and simply passed through her womb. Her responsibility is to care for them until they can care for themselves. She tries to teach them how to love and be loved. How to live fearlessly.

I like that because that is what I want for my daughter. I want her to be able to love and be loved. I want her to be fearless by courageously facing the dangers and challenges of life. Honestly, that is all I want for myself. For my ex-wife. For Kellie. For everyone I’ve ever been angry with. For everyone I know. I’ve never met you but it is what I want for you.

I talked to a number of individuals with similar experiences, and sought their advice about my situation with Kellie and my daughter. Generally, the solution was variations on the same theme:

“Get a lawyer and sue.”
“Get a lawyer and fight for your rights.”
“She has a right to be with her father."

Maybe.

When I’m honest, it seemed to me it would make a bad situation worse. After all, how can I argue in good faith for my “rights” when I did such a lousy job addressing my responsibilities? I wasn’t accountable when Kellie was pregnant. Later, I neglected my financial obligations out of childish anger, false pride and unbridled ambition. Truthfully, it seems I lack the credibility to be demanding my “rights”.